Lost...Its been almost a year.

Its been almost a year since I visited here. And, I still have not much to say...I'll come back a little later. 

My life in passing

I can't believe its been so long since I posted anything on my blog...Down right disgraceful. 

I'm having real problems in dealing with old age and my disgraceful life. Many times I've thought about shooting myself. If I had a hand gun I would do it...I'm the most terrible person I know. 

I even asked my friend as he knows friends in low place to connect so I can buy a gun and a few bullets. 

Lord my god is there no help for the widow's son,,, Lord my god is there no help for the widow's son,,, Lord my god is there no help for the widow's son...

Terror In Canada and 2 Black Days

Two more souls have passed to heaven and to the Great Gitche Manito. Two more Poppies  have been added to our boxes to remember these heroes. That's all I have to say  about this. 

I Still Feel Lost.

I came back here and  re-read some of my posts. I started to cry.

I'm almost 68 and starting to feel really old. I'm still working because i have no pensions. I'm losing my typing and  spelling skills. I can't recall things anymore. And my health appears to be  failing. And i drink to much.

At one time I was very strong and nothing bothered me. I feared no evil. I was the kind of guy that would rip your throat out if  you really pissed me off. Now I'm a wuss. 

Old age really sucks!!!

Lost!!!

Today I feel suicidal...It's not the first  time...

Afganistan

Well the last of our brave soldiers finally left  Afghanistan and returned to Canada...Bless them all.

The question always asked was it worth the lives lost...The fact is "yes" we do this to maintain our freedoms...Fuck the Al-Quida they started invading our country and freedoms... These guys are rag heads that don't deserve to live.

That's all I have to say about this. PRO PATRIA.

Still lost

I visited here the other day...I didn't know what to write about...mmmmmmmm.

Lost Boys

I can't imagine that I can feel so lost. I constantly have this feeling of emptiness, unable to clearly express myself.

Many days  go by where I have struggled with myself. Unable to create.

So  let it be said, so shall it be written.

I am still lost but friends forever

The years fade away when old  friends get together.

by robert scotellaro

lost soul

is there no help for the widow's son.

is there no help for the widow's son.

is there no help for the widow's son.

Young Matthew

The other day a young man, age 20, died. I knew him as he was a brother of my Legion. He was liked very much by all that knew him.

He had joined the Legion at the tender age of 18 to honour his brother who is an active member in the Canadian Armed Forces.

I remember the day he turned 19 and was able to have his first drink.

This poor young lad had CP and a variety of other debilitating deceases. What I didn't know is he had brain cancer and that is what he finally scummed to. The last time I saw him was when I was getting off the GO Train at Pickering in July 2012. I summized he had come back from Sick Childrens Hospital as he was carrying his pillow and a small suite case.

I will never forget his smile that day when I tapped him on his shoulder to say hello. Never knowing it would be his last hello to me.

I didn't attend his funeral but there was no less a turnout of 500 people including the Lieutenant Governor General for Ontario. At his internment at Duffins Meadows in Pickering there wasn't enough parking to accommodate all. No less than 200 people came to the brief wake at our Legion.

That's all I have to say about this....

Old Thoughts, New posts

Sometime I forget what I have done. Example, I totally forgot that I has posted a Valentine greeting.
I was concerned that my Blog would be shut down for lack of use...son of a gun!!!

My older brother isn't well. I have yet to speak to him. It seems I have my head in the sand in hopes he recovers quickly and this all goes away...I don't think this is going to happen. I'll find a good time to give him a call. 

I've sort of given up on the Legion. There are to many drunks who become obnoxious, if you say something and they don't understand they become defensive...Probably they lack inner security.

Anyway time to choose directions...In this time of life???...I can't believe I'm writing this. 

TATA for now.

Love The One You Love

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Chinese New Year

If you have never done it, celebrate Chinese New Year it`s fun.

Meaning of Christmas Gifts

The other day while cooking in the kitchen and cleaning up after Christmas I came upon a couple of very small gifts or tokens. I thought about these for a short while, were the givers just cheap, were their thoughts behind their gifts or could they just barely afford an expensive gift. I'm not sure.

I received a Christmas tree bulb from my daughter. She is a single mother of three and has to be very  frugal with her money. An ornament indeed to remind us of the adoration of Christ when he was borne on Christmas Day. I shed a tear!!!

I received another Christmas Tree ornament and I'm not sure where this came from but it was a Star. The Star reminded me of the  Christ Star on the eve of his birth. A gesture of faith indeed.

I received over the years many gifts from people and if I look at each and everyone of the gifts there is a thought behind everyone. Don't take for granted the bottle of red wine. It represents the blood of Christ who gave his life to save our souls. And the bottle of white wine used as a sacrificial wine to celebrate the blood of Christ. The box of Christmas cookies to celebrate the body of Christ.

The expensive gift I received were a reflection of our need to replace material thing we lost in time. I accidentally threw out my toaster oven when I had to sell my house. A sad time in my life.

We give material things to those who are in need to celebrate the the gift of giving from the heart and remember that not all can have everything in life. We give hope to the unfortunate and hope they will grow to give in return to make this word a better place.

In closing I would say when I receive a bottle of wine I thought of Christ and his sacrifice to the world. And yet I'm far from being a Christian. Take heart in every gift giving you receive no matter how small or large. There is a loving feeling. I might revisit this thought.

I Was A Soldier Once and Young

The other day I was at the Legion and I met an old RCR. He had brought with a book, The 100 Years of The RCR. 

I didn't have much interest at the time but later began leafing through the book. I was very interesting to say the least. It actually answered my question. Which was the first battalion I was with? 

Well it was the First Battalion RCR, which was training to go to Cyprus in 1966. I, of course had volunteered to go to Germany to the Second Battalion RCR.

There, I finally cleared up this mess. 

66 years old and balancing on a slack rope.

I turned 66 this past October and I continue to do a balancing act with my bad life, good life and death.
I tend to contaminate my friends mind and I fail to understand why. I drink to much, my body is hurting physically. I really wish I found someone that understands what I am going through both mentally and physically. I'm a real mess!!!

Anthony Died

I can't recall if I posted anything about Anthony but just in case I didn't so let it be said and written.

Anthony died about a year ago. He was a young man, 40 years old. He died from prostate cancer. 
This young man was a friend of my daughters when they went through school. 
He came from a hard working Italian family. He worked hard and reaped the rewards. He lived a meaningful social life playing in a band after work on weekends. He was partner in a good company. 

I caught a small blog he had started and he was extremely bitter about the fact he knew he was going to die. He was searching for answers, why him, yet nobody could  console him with the right answer, not even god. 

I use small letters on god because even I have doubts from time to time. Why let a good man die? There are more less deserving people on this earth that should die. 

I have said enough. 

god

Somehow I seem  to be pulled back into religion...mmmmmmmmmm

I've been real tardy lately in posting to any of my blogs. I drink more and enjoy it less. I don't share my agonies with anyone but keep them hidden within.


Lately I've been getting flash backs of my mother's funeral and her laying in the open casket. Then the casket laying in the cold concrete crypt waiting for the lid and to be lowered into the dark depth of earth. This is not good.


Tears start to well up in my eyes. This is unusual for me as I see myself turning weak. Oh yes, I did shed more than a tear at her funeral. And I thought I was not human. My weaknesses are starting to show. DAMN!!! and this is not good either. 

Death

We are born, we live and we die. 

My mother passed away today. She was 88...That's all I have to say about this.

Short Poem by D H Lawrence plus

I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.

A small bird will drop frozen from a bough

without ever having felt sorry for itself.

D. H. Lawrence

I always liked this poem once I truly understood what it meant. 

There truly is a small lesson in these words. Search your soul and heart. 

A few words about friendship.  

You never question the cost of friendship once you understand its value. 


I have lost a lot over the years...I didn't take care of my friends. 

There are many nights and days I want to cry because I feel lonely. 

 

A belated thought from the past.

I was going through my saved emails and I found this email I had sent to myself quite a long time ago and so I wouldn't forget to post this thought. Guess what, I forgot.  


Valour, Pro Patria; Death before Dishonour; Duty; Loyalty; Courage; VRI (Victoria, Regina, Imperitrix); Medal; Friendship; Fraternity; Family; what does this all mean? These are words by which I lived and was bound without thought for myself. However, I have fallen from grace and I’ve dishonored myself, my family, and my few friends. How can I make up for what I’ve lost? 


I don't know why I missed posting this...Talk about brain dead. :)1/21/2012

It's Been A While.

I guess I've really been neglecting my blogs. My reason is I'm feeling beside myself. I probably drink to much, don't eat properly and I always wonder if I'll wake up the next day.

I haven't been enjoying my senior years so far even though I managed to get some of the senior discounts. 

I'm still working full time at my present job and moving into my 9th year. It's getting harder all the time.

You would think that with all my years experience working in insurance claims things would be easier. They are not!

Hopefully, I'll get myself into proper gear and continue to write about my times in the army... 

Thanks for reading.

158 and still counting

Another Canadian soldier will make the long trek down the Highway of Heroes in the back of a Hearst. It's a pity that one must die for what has become a useless cause.  That's all I have to say about this.   

65 plus 3 days

Yes, I turned 65 on Wednesday and no I did not write to any blog on that day.

You know, people ask you how do you feel hitting  this mile stone in your life. For me, I felt terrible. I was totally stressed all day at work. I felt scared and almost went into a panic attack. 

The only salvation I felt was at lunch time when I went to my usual pub and had pizza and beer. After lunch I came back to the office and found myself confronted by a few of the staff wishing me a Happy Birthday.  One of the VPs actually knew had turned 65. The nice ladies that gave me the warm birthday wishing, I had told one of them before I went to lunch and I thought nothing more about it.  In any even it did take the edge off things. 

I guess I'm just one of those unusual FUBAR guys...For anyone reading this and it is your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, may you live long and prosper. 

A Mile Stone In My Life

In less than a week I will hit a mile stone in my life. I will be 65. 

Its been 18 years since I had a very serious heart attack which almost killed me. For 18 years I have lived in hell always looking over my shoulder for DEATH to come and take me to that dark world. There wasn't one day that went by that I didn't think of dying. I can not remember a time where I felt good physically and mentally for more than a week.This is what happens when God punishes you.

My intent is to retire by no later than the end of March next year and push forward while outpacing DEATH.
I hope what I write on this blog makes some sense. mmmmmmmmmmmm... 

An Old Soldier Fades Away.

This week Bob Wisemam from  Pickering's Legion Branch 606 passed away. I knew him personally as we had shared thoughts and beers from time to time. He was my friend and a soldier from the Royal Canadian Regiment. 

I Was A Soldier Once and Young

Soltau and Sennelager in Germany.

These were training areas in Germany that were attended by  all NATO troop during specific times of the year.

Sennelager was a weapons and tactical training ground. Soltau was where annual exercises where held among participating NATO Forces.   

August 13, 2011

This is the only place that I have recorded this date. 

Our Legion celebrated the Official home coming on our Troops from Afghanistan. In honour to our troops a granite plaque was laid in our garden of poppies.

As we walk away, take one last look back over your shoulder and remember.

Somebody Didn't Get Home

The other day I got my usual GO Train announcements concerning delays etc.This time they announced that a pedestrian was killed when hit by a Via train just west of Pickering Junction/Station. This type of event usually causes considerable delay for commuters to get home as all rail traffic is halted in that corridor.

Yes people ranted, raved venting anger and got to the point where some required anger management. 

It is unfortunate that people will get home late and yet no one gave any though to the man that was killed on the tracks. It turns out he was an employee of CN Rail working at track level. He did not get home to his family. His family had to visit him in the morgue and identify his parts in a rubber body bag. 

What a pity that we are so selfish. For reasons unknown to me I felt sad. I shed a tear for this stranger. 

Did I get home late, about an hour. So what!!!

The Joy of Friendship

Being yourself when you're not

Feeling like yourself is something

you can do around friends.

157

The flags were at half mast the other day. The announcement was #157. The cause wasn't confirmed but the death was not a combat related death. Pity one should die for an obscure reason. He would have been home soon. That's all I have to say about this. I shed a tear.

Much Ado About Nothing

This weekend I finally cleaned all my filtering systems for my fish tank. I was overdue no less than six months. In any event my one and only Mr. Gold Fish and Mr Chinese Algae Eater enjoyed the resulted of a fresher environment.

I should be ashamed of myself for not having cleaned things up sooner. Hey, these two fish are spoiled. They live is a 32 gallon fish tank. Anyway, I'll make sure I clean their filter systems more often. I love my fish...

I'm going to visit my mother next week as I haven't seen her since before Christmas. I'm certain it'll be a short visit. She really hasn't mush to say to me. It's almost as if she just tolerates my visit. She lives in Collingwood and I live in Toronto. I will not drive there in and around the winter season due to very unpredictable road conditions and I'm getting to f*%#ing old to mess with poor road conditions.I just can't handle the stress any more.

I got myself an iPod Touch 4th Generation 32 GB which enables me to post message on here. This should be cool. Maybe I post a naughty picture or two. lol.

I spend a lot of time at the Legion. Made a few friends and drink more. However, in the past two weeks I stopped going because I was drinking far to much and feeling poorly through out the week. I probably saved at least $200.00.

It'nice to post from my ipod

A belated thought from the past.

I found the thought I had sent to myself so I wouldn't forget it. Guess what,I forgot it.  

Valour, Pro Patria; Death before Dishonour; Duty; Loyalty; Courage; VRI (Victoria, Regina, Imperitrix); Medal; Friendship; Fraternity; Family; what does this all mean? These are word by which I lived and was bound without thought for myself. However, I have fallen from grace and I’ve dishonoured myself, my family, and my few friends. How can I make up for what I’ve lost? 

Talk about being brain dead!!! 

Tomorrow is June 6, 2011, D-Day, the longest day for the living and dead. Remember them all. 

156 and still counting

I borrowed this for a moment or two. 156 is the number of dead.

If you are able,
save them a place
inside of you
and save one backward glance
when you are leaving
for the places they can
no longer go.
Be not ashamed to say
you loved them,
though you may
or may not have always.
Take what they have left
and what they have taught you
with their dying
and keep it with your own.
And in that time
when men decide and feel safe
to call the war insane,
take one moment to embrace
those gentle heroes
you left behind.

Major Michael Davis O'Donnell
1 January 1970
Dak To, Vietnam

155 & I shed another tear.

It's been a long time since I have had the the unfortunate duty to post news of the death of another Canadian Hero in Afghanistan. That is all I have to say about this.

St. Paddy's Day

It's time to put up my St. Patrick's siggy. I made this myself with the help of PSP under my logo BF Production.  I hope you're not offended. If you are be cool and leave me a comment and it will be removed. Otherwise enjoy St Patrick's Day. 

Lost Mason

I've been a mason since May 1992. I guess that's a long time by my standards. I've always paid my dues and tried to be there whenever possible. However, I've never made any real friends or fit in with anyone group or person. 

Over the last year I did what I think was my rite and joined the Canadian Legion. Having been in the Armed forces I felt this was my forte. I made friend quickly, my partner joined and made friends quickly. I had some common ground. I was an ex regular serviceman and a NATO Veteran.

What a difference. You can belong to an organization for a long time and not make friends and yet join an organization and make immediate friends. 

It's a pity that Masons aren't more receptive or open to what they promote. It's no wonder many new Mason drop out, disgruntled. 

I remain a Mason in hopes that time will change Masonry to what it is supposed to be, Brotherly love, truth  and relief. No matter how you interpret this it all boils down to making friends that have a common bond. I tried with lots of rejections.

What more can I say.

Benjamin Franklin, a Mason

To Relive or not to Relive

I was watching American Graffiti 2 tonight which tweaked some memories from the late 60's era. My problem is I can't remember what I did on new years' eve of 1965, 1966 and 1967. I know where I was and that is all I can remember. I found this to be extremely disturbing and I cried.  Hopefully, one day some of the most important parts of my lost memory will come back. 

Inner peace and 365 days

As I said once before, I have made peace with my inner self. I am ready to move onto the after life whatever and wherever that may be. I just hope when the time comes it's quick and not to painful. It's getting to be a real drag with continued pain in my left side and arm.
The doctor has already warned me about congestive heart failure. Even thought the last checkup seems to be clear of any added problems. Why is it I do not believe the cardiologist?
Anyway, about the 365 days. These are the number of days I have left until I retire officially from the insurance broker business.  It'll be 29 years as a licensed insurance broker. The last ten years or so I have worked in the claims end of the business.  No more educated ( school ) then when I started. No pensions, no gold watch or golden hand shake, no nothing, here today and forgotten tomorrow.  If I'm lucky a few will member me as that old man.
However, everything being equal, God is willing and the river don't rise, I'll get myself a part time job in a grocery store stocking shelves or waiting on people.
That's all I have to say tonight.

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2011. MAY YOU LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

154 and I lost count.

I was coming home this morning and I noticed Walmart's flag at 1/2 mast, a sure sign that one of our Canadian soldiers has died in Afghanistan. Sure enough after having checked the internet at home, Canada has lost another courageous soldier. The news paper said 154. I seem to have missed one in between. I'm so sorry for missing one. What a pity.

How sad that the gift his family gets for Christmas is the sacrifice of their son's life in a shity land, doing a shity job where less than humans care nothing about their fellow man. What a bullshit world. Did I shed a tear? You're damn right I did.  That's all I have to say about that. : (( 

It's tough being a NATO veteran and a legion member. 

Weakening Heart???

The other day I was coming home from work on the train and for a few minutes I fell into a deep sleep. Subconsciously, I woke myself up, startled, the train wasn't moving, I jumped up not knowing where I was. Suddenly I felt chest pains from shoulder to shoulder. On a pain scale of one to ten the pains registered a two to three. These where the strongest chest pains I've had in the past 16 years and they wouldn't go away. Over all the pains lasted almost 10 minutes. Eventually my skin turned pale. All I could do was sit and rest assuring  myself this was just angina and it'll have to run it's course. Event though I carry a small spray bottle of nitro I haven't used it for many years. I couldn't be bothered to dig it out of my carry bag. This is a sure sign of things to come.

To have a heart attack is a crushing painful experience. I hope for it to come quickly and let me die without agony. I cheated death 17 years ago, perhaps it's time to give up life and open a place for someone else in this world.  

For those that like Vampires!

I like vampires because they kinda suck. 

My Blog Header.

It turns out that on the Internet there are at least 533 million user that use the " My Life and Times" and I thought I was unique. So I searched my mind to come up with something better. 
My title isn't broken so I'm not fixing it. 

Gurls

The other day our last pet rat died and I thought to myself, how is it that pet shops sell these cute little creatures to families, only that they should die in such a short two years. Can you imagine how a child feels when his/her pet rat dies. I'm an adult and I was saddened by the experience.

I didn't bring this pet into my home. My son and his ex girl friend  brought two rats which I ended up adopting because they split up and he really didn't care for them anymore.

The rule in the house is "no more pets". 

I'm down to an aquarium with two gold fish and a Chinese Algae eater. The oldest gold fish is about 8 years old and is no longer gold, having turned silver with age.

I'm getting gray with age!

152 And Counting

Again the flag flies half mast as I pass the Legion in the morning on the bus heading off to work. And, I shed another tear for the young corporal that gave his life so others may be free.

Peace Within Myself

It's been a few weeks since I wrote on my Blog. During that time I've felt more sick with symptoms of heart failure. I tend to cover them up with higher doses of ativan and extra strength Advil. 


I think I've found peace with my inner self. I'm prepared to accept what I am, who I am and positively move forward. 
At one time I offered up my soul to the devil and he did not accept it. It is my belief now that if there is no devil then there is no Lord God in the sense that we like to believe. The god we know is what we make of him and is only in our heart. So I have found my  God.  
"How does anyone find inner peace?"
I am who I am. I am not you, and you are not me.
My life journey has taken me across hillsides, caves and jungles. Whereas yours may take you along the ocean shore. I am me, as you are you. I am not to be compared to you and you are not to be compared to me. God has designed me as he has designed you to be who he means for you and I to be. He alone is our author. Release all toxic gases from your mind, spirit, heart, body and soul. Breathe...
THE SERENITY PRAYER
God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change COURAGE to change the things I can and WISDOM to know the difference.
_________________________________________________________________________________________



John 14:27
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: my peace is different than what the world gives. Do not let your heart be troubled nor be afraid."
Until one has found THE PRINCE OF PEACE they will never truly HAVE PEACE inside. When you are at PEACE with GOD then you will be a peace with self and others. 

I'm prepared to die, I will no longer look for help to stay alive as long as I serve no other purpose. 

"Yeah thought I walk through the valley in the shadow of Death, I shall feel no evil for I'm still the meanest son of a bitch." quoth the raven. 
I know, this sounds pretty sappy. What can I say..............